"These sentences are pushing back against me and shaping me into a form I didn’t have and couldn’t imagine at the start of writing today. The spaciousness of the margin creates a gutter for the things I cannot say yet."
Emily, this is the most beautiful description of writing as stimming--of writing as being how some of us must find and recall our real selves--that I have read yet.
Ah, yes -- no wonder it's not about catharsis for me. It's a *stim.* It's weird but I haven't really thought of it that way, even though it seems so obvious now that you point it out, lol? And then that makes me wonder about the relationship between (or flow of) stimulation, de-stimulation, under-stimulation in the creative process, grieving process, etc. (Which then also reminds me of an insightful note Tara McMullin had re: understimulation in response to another post: https://substack.com/@taramcmullin/note/c-40277805)
Running on vibes!!!!! perfect description of how I work personally lol. Love how you describe adhd from the inside here, I rly relate. sensation/emotion/rhythm are so central.
I thought about unclicking the heart so I could heart this again.
During this re-read, I am especially grateful for this moment:
"I don’t think you can actually measure Impulse from the shore anyway. Waves don’t last long enough to be measured like that. I just haven’t figured out how to be discerning while also staying in motion.
(How do you recognize a true impulse without ever touching it? Or—isn’t measuring and weighing impulse antithetical to the spirit of impulse?)"
ok, kind of wild to return to this comment today, after a movement class last night where we played with following our impulses (however the body wanted to move!) for a few minutes and then played with refusing our impulses for a few minutes... but then went back to following our impulse freely...
and what struck me most was how refusing/pushing against the impulse actually made it clearer how my body wanted to move... it made the movement more fluid & accessible... i.e., more *discernable* !! -- so maybe there is something to staying in motion! to not stopping to decode ourselves but instead finding ways to "read" or respond to the motion/impulse in the real time of playing with it...
this reply is also written out of impulse, of course, just noodling out loud in response to you! but thought I'd send the naked thought out anyway, in the spirit of letting the conversation stay in motion (lol, how many meta-layers can one substack thread withstand, i wonder) (no obligation for you to reply, obvs, i might be getting far afield now)
Naked meta thoughts are my FAVORITE kind of thoughts! I want to screenshot this thread and save it; it feels important.
This also has me thinking about something my partner and I were recently talking about: the clarifying power of the double want. As in, when I'm stuck in decision paralysis or looking for a clarity I can't find, sometimes I can get quiet enough to hear a double want: "I want to want to do that." Which tells me, ah, I don't actually want to do it, I just wish I did. Lol. Those moments can be so clarifying for me, and are often easier to find than a big, obvious No.
Somehow, the *double want* feels like movement / dancing to me...(I also want to hear more about this movement class, the idea of which scares me in a way that feels telling.)
This was magical. I loved reading it. I felt newly embodied, no, newly re-connected no re-attuned to the bodymind, mind descending into body to enliven.
"These sentences are pushing back against me and shaping me into a form I didn’t have and couldn’t imagine at the start of writing today. The spaciousness of the margin creates a gutter for the things I cannot say yet."
Emily, this is the most beautiful description of writing as stimming--of writing as being how some of us must find and recall our real selves--that I have read yet.
Ah, yes -- no wonder it's not about catharsis for me. It's a *stim.* It's weird but I haven't really thought of it that way, even though it seems so obvious now that you point it out, lol? And then that makes me wonder about the relationship between (or flow of) stimulation, de-stimulation, under-stimulation in the creative process, grieving process, etc. (Which then also reminds me of an insightful note Tara McMullin had re: understimulation in response to another post: https://substack.com/@taramcmullin/note/c-40277805)
Yes! Yes yes.
Also, I have probably watched this short video 50 times since last fall/winter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEaMz7cY2iE
LOVE this ("material resistance" -- feedback!), thank you so much for sharing
Running on vibes!!!!! perfect description of how I work personally lol. Love how you describe adhd from the inside here, I rly relate. sensation/emotion/rhythm are so central.
I thought about unclicking the heart so I could heart this again.
During this re-read, I am especially grateful for this moment:
"I don’t think you can actually measure Impulse from the shore anyway. Waves don’t last long enough to be measured like that. I just haven’t figured out how to be discerning while also staying in motion.
(How do you recognize a true impulse without ever touching it? Or—isn’t measuring and weighing impulse antithetical to the spirit of impulse?)"
ok, kind of wild to return to this comment today, after a movement class last night where we played with following our impulses (however the body wanted to move!) for a few minutes and then played with refusing our impulses for a few minutes... but then went back to following our impulse freely...
and what struck me most was how refusing/pushing against the impulse actually made it clearer how my body wanted to move... it made the movement more fluid & accessible... i.e., more *discernable* !! -- so maybe there is something to staying in motion! to not stopping to decode ourselves but instead finding ways to "read" or respond to the motion/impulse in the real time of playing with it...
this reply is also written out of impulse, of course, just noodling out loud in response to you! but thought I'd send the naked thought out anyway, in the spirit of letting the conversation stay in motion (lol, how many meta-layers can one substack thread withstand, i wonder) (no obligation for you to reply, obvs, i might be getting far afield now)
Naked meta thoughts are my FAVORITE kind of thoughts! I want to screenshot this thread and save it; it feels important.
This also has me thinking about something my partner and I were recently talking about: the clarifying power of the double want. As in, when I'm stuck in decision paralysis or looking for a clarity I can't find, sometimes I can get quiet enough to hear a double want: "I want to want to do that." Which tells me, ah, I don't actually want to do it, I just wish I did. Lol. Those moments can be so clarifying for me, and are often easier to find than a big, obvious No.
Somehow, the *double want* feels like movement / dancing to me...(I also want to hear more about this movement class, the idea of which scares me in a way that feels telling.)
This was magical. I loved reading it. I felt newly embodied, no, newly re-connected no re-attuned to the bodymind, mind descending into body to enliven.